What grief can be like

The word grief was first used in the early 1940s. Since then, it has been a word that pierces the soul and mind. Chloe Karis writes about the modern challenge grief poses to society.

Grief. Something I experienced at 13. I’m now 20. Seven years I’ve had it. It hasn’t gone away. It’s still here. I’m still hit with a wall of emotions. But I’m still laughing. I grieved when my dad died in 2013. Or maybe before. I was told he had a month left to live. I think that’s when grief hit me. He was diagnosed with leukemia. Again. It was aggressive. Survival was virtually nil.

I questioned what grief was. Why do we go through it? I heard about the five stages. But are they true? I think about people grieving during COVID-19. What can they do while life is in lockdown? If you are reading this, you have most likely experienced grief.

I imagined I would lose a grandparent first. Or maybe a pet. Like my dog or cat. Not a pet fish. I got over their deaths easy. But instead, my dad died first. I knew no one who had lost a parent. Only their grandparents. Life is strange losing a parent. It’s an awkward conversation.

People can’t find the right words. What they don’t know, there are no right words to say. Being there for others is the best. I spoke to my mum about my grandad. Her dad. What she told me was perfect. She didn’t get to say goodbye. “I had said everything,” she told me. “But there was no goodbye.”

Grief is what everyone will, or already has experienced in their life. It could be losing a loved one, a pet, or even or even a relationship breakup. Grief is normal to have due to a loss. There is no way to avoid it. HelpGuide lists 12 reasons why someone could grieve.

My dad, Michael, died in 2013 from Richters Transformation. A rare form of leukemia. Five months later, my grandad died in 2014 from a heart attack. His death hit hard. But when did we start talking about grief? Erich Lindemann was a psychiatrist who first spoke about it in 1944. He said, “acute grief would not seem to be a medical or psychiatric disorder in the strict sense of the word but rather a normal reaction to a distressing situation.”

I spoke to Natalie Browne, a Psychosocial Support Worker from CanTeen Australia. CanTeen is a support service for young people between 12-25 with cancer in their families. Natalie understands grief as, “our reaction to a loss of something.” She told me grief could be a loss of a person, a routine, something material, or a part of a relationship. She explained grief as, “very individual. It’s specific to a person. And it has no rules or time length.”

Besides grief, there is bereavement and mourning. They’re all similar, but different. In David Casarett, Jean S. Kutner, and Janet Abrahm’s 2001 article, they defined bereavement and mourning. Bereavement is, “the period after a loss during which grief is experienced and mourning occurs.” They defined mourning as, “the process by which people adapt to loss.” Both of these terms are very relevant during a time of grieving.

Everywhere it is said there are five stages of grief. But anyone who has gone through grief knows it is not true. There are not five stages. There are more than five. No one just goes through the five stages and be done with grieving. HelpGuide lists and describes the five stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. But where did this come from?

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first spoke about it in her 1969 book, ‘On Death and Dying’. She did a study and spoke to over 200 dying patients and families. Discussing the first stage, ‘denial and isolation’, she said they [the patients] didn’t believe they were terminally ill. My family was in denial about my dad’s sickness. Some of us were in denial about his death too. Kübler-Ross spoke about isolation too. She saw isolation, “in young widows who had lost their husbands”. Isolation isn’t spoken about often. People are more aware of it. They keep each other busy. Isolation may be common now due to COVID-19. Only seeking help online.

Kübler-Ross claimed anger follows when denial can’t be maintained. Saying “anger is displaced in all directions and projected onto the environment at times almost at random.”

She calls the next stage ‘bargaining’. Seeing it as “an attempt to postpone”.

Next comes depression. She saw depression as, “a tool to prepare for the impending loss of all the love objects.” Beyond Blue defines depression as a serious condition affecting someone’s physical and mental health.

The last stage was ‘acceptance’. I personally found this difficult. Accepting my dad’s death was challenging. I never accepted it. I don’t know how long it took. I was preparing for it. Talking about it helped though. My grandad, however. It was more shocking. Harder to accept. I don’t think I’ve accepted it. Being told one day he’s no longer here. There had no preparation.

Kübler-Ross said, “acceptance should not be mistaken for a happy stage.” I agree. You don’t realise when you’ve accepted it. Though she did say acceptance was, “if the pain had gone, the struggle is over…”. Far from true. The pain and struggle stay. You can accept death. But you still have your days. You can still go back to the previous four stages. Or different stages. It never goes away. You accept someone isn’t here. Then you remember you won’t see them again. You almost go back to denial. It’s a rollercoaster.

In Natalie’s practice, she told me she doesn’t share the five stages with young people. She prefers to give psychoeducation around grief. Then focuses on learning what grief might be for the person she’s working with. “I don’t fit them to a template,” she told me.

Natalie believes the five stages are worth knowing about because it’s another form of psychoeducation. She told me it’s, “informing yourself about subjects that have been well researched by professionals.” Natalie mentioned people may not experience all of or any stages at all. They won’t experience them in a particular order.

Because of COVID-19, grieving is unusual. Loved ones cannot say goodbye in person. They cannot attend a funeral because of restrictions. Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement (ACFGAB) stated bereavement may be distressing or traumatic during this time.

I can’t imagine what it’d be like. People can’t get face-to-face support. Grieving wasn’t normal before. But it is far from normal in 2020. ACFGAB suggests keeping regular contact with people, look after yourself, and to seek help. It sounds easy. But it isn’t easy. I can’t imagine someone dying alone because of COVID-19. It’s gut-wrenching. You’d grieve over it alone. ACFGAB said practical concerns and worry about the current situation. Making it hard to address grief. This results in “grief being stifled, delayed or intensified.”

Some people could’ve spent their last days in the hospital. Their loved ones not seeing them one last time. The dying is left untouched. Unspoken to. If someone is already dying, you can’t see them. You can’t put them at risk. Just in case you’re carrying COVID-19. In order to keep them safe, you’d need to stay away. If the dying has COVID-19, the family wouldn’t be able to see them. Being told they need to keep their loved ones safe.

This is not a way people should go. The family can’t support them. Can’t talk them through their death. Can’t comfort them while they’re dying. How can a family continue on remembering they couldn’t have one last proper goodbye? It would have to make them feel worse.

As I’m writing this, 102 people have died from COVID-19 in Australia according to the Department of Health. From one death, there could be at least 20 people affected. Resulting in grief. This means roughly from the 102 deaths, there are over 2000 people grieving.

Natalie told me, “nothing replaces the importance of being able to physically say goodbye.” She said during COVID-19 times there are still ways to connect with grief. “Connecting on more of a spiritual level with the person,” she said. But she didn’t mean religion. “Working around memory making,” and finding ways to remember someone by connecting with them and spending time on your own. This includes meditating, creating art, or writing.

People can still grieve together during this time. This can happen on online forums, the phone, or communities such as, What’s Your Grief. Natalie suggests if you can’t talk to someone, to hear other people’s stories. These stories can provide psychoeducation, relief, and connections. Natalie suggests the podcasts, ‘What’s Your Grief’ or ‘Griefcast’. These share people’s stories and their experiences with grief.

Natalie recommends honouring the deceased by creating a presence at home. This includes creating an altar, having a picture frame, or a spot at the table for them.

Grief is an emotion. We will all experience it. It’s not enjoyable. But you learn to live with it. You only understand if you have it. When you’ve lost someone. Someone who means the world to you.